Schu's Review: Battle Los Angelas

Fantastic! I had to throw that out there immediately. This was one of those movies that's come in 'under the radar'. No big names, outside of Two-Face from Batman. I didn't know what to expect going in, and really, I usually don't go to movies without knowing a bit about them. So, I decided I would look up Ebert's review. He said it was horrible and he didn't like it. Most excellent: I knew I would like it right away. The first 10 or 15 minutes are very choppy. Like the cutting room floor was used to move the story forward rather than the dialogue. But,  here's the thing - - the dialogue was used correctly, too. Even through the choppy scenes, we knew Staff Sergeant Nantz was leaving the Marines with some kind of sad back-story. Just as quickly, we found out he was being called back into action to be the second in command to 2nd Lt. William Martinez. A much younger and much less  experienced military macho actor. You can guess what happens with that relationship! When things get tough, and the kid gets stuck? Yeah, exactly. The aliens were great. The humans did not need 'almost nuclear power' to destroy them.
It was almost a fair fight when gun-play came into the story (which was pretty much the entire movie. Awesome!) The powerful alien force had some pretty kick ass weaponry. It is that weaponry that almost completely devastates the human foes. Wait - - we have 7 remaining Marines who take the plight of
the world into their hands, and provide one helluva fight. This movie was awesome for action movie fans. I was walking out of the theater saying "I'm going to see it again"! Oh, by the way - - that Ebert fella said
the movie was horrible. If you go back a number of years, he said the same thing about Full Metal Jacket. Bloody idiot! Clearly the Military movies are a little beyond his comprehension.

Schu's Review: Jackass 3 in 3D

Jackass 3. Generally speaking, easy review: Funny Stuff. Now, I am not a fan of the series. It was made worse by watching The Dudesons. It seems like every country could potentially have these teams of fools. But, you have to be honest here, for every person who hates Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, and their henchmen, there are ten who love them. I have a buddy who calls 'em brilliant. I won't go that far. They have mastered idiocy, so I guess if 'mastering' something means brilliance, I might be wrong. Oh well.
The easiest thing to say about this series: "It's probably not for the faint of heart". This is the 3rd movie in the franchise, and it's 3D. Available on Blu-Ray now. No plot. No Story. The theme is laughter. Usually at themselves. It's rolling scene after scene without connecting them. The movie opens with a giant hand hidden behind a wall. It's very funny. Johnny Knoxville holds the spring released hand behind a wall, as people approach the opening, the hand flies out, in 3D, and levels the unsuspecting victims. I was watching it alone and I laughed loud enough for ten people.

From there, it goes to Jet-Ski jumping, bungy rope tricks, big person/midget swapping scenes. The best scene for me was the midget bar fight. It starts with two love struck midgets entering a relatively busy bar. Within a moment, another midget enters screaming about an affair and cheating. The fight's on. Big
people just stand watching. I must say, I was hoping to see at least one person laughing their ass off within the scene, but the customers thought it was serious. Then, two midget police officers enter. The fight gets bigger. Then midget paramedics come in. They trash the bar. Customers just stood and watch. The scene closes with a dumbfounded woman, beer in hand, looking around and asking, "What the hell just happened? They were all little people?". Again, I laughed pretty good.

To be honest, though, I almost stopped watching when the "Shit Volcano" scene came up. One of the guys must have downed half a bar of ex-lax for this one. He tucked himself almost upside down, painted his ass green, and pointed his ass up through a flat board model train set. Essentially, the mound of his ass
simply looked like a mountain in the middle of this train set. The train goes around and around, suddenly a big spike of almost liquid feces jettisons into the air, like a volcano. You don't realize what you just watched until they hit slow motion, in 3D, and widen the shot enough to see the moron tucked under the model
train set. Completely disgusting. Vomit causing to some people.

I actually did stop watching when the 'sweat suit' cocktail scene opened. One of the large, fat dads wrapped himself up in suran wrap, tucked a massive funnel hose under his ass/scrotum area, with the hose leading to a plastic cup. He began running on a tread mill to fill the suit with his own fat, crappy sweat, which in turn would drain into the hose and run it's way down to fill up the cup. I turned it off, so I don't know if someone drank it. I'll assume "YES".

The Jackass guys have no boundaries. While they test their own pain endurance. You will definitely test your stomach muscles from laughing so hard, but your gag reflex will get a workout, too.

Schu's Review: Drive Angry

Starring Nicholas Cage, David Morse, some B-Rate actors, and a few nice cars!
I was desperate. Bored. I had a hankering for popcorn and a good movie. So, off to River City Cinema I go. I get to the ticket wicket; "One for Drive Crazy please." The young kid behind the counter says, "um, it's Drive Angry, and even with your VIP Pass, that'll be 3 bucks, Mister." It suddenly hit me - this will be the first 3D movie I've seen since Friday the 13th part 3 in 3D. That was some place back in the 80's. The 3 bucks covers the cost of the more extravagant 3D shades. Back in the day, the glasses were pieces of cardboard with red and blue lenses. I can't tell you how excited I was to get my hands on these pop culture fashion pieces. Inside, the movie starts. No previews. I mean, 'instant beginning'. Bad news for a Hollywood movie. This is 2011. It's all about advertising. This movie starts like a giant piece of 3D Fluorocarbon - - nothing sticking to it! The cheese is flowing instantly. Car chase, big guns, flying bullets, spraying blood, and some of those aforementioned B-rate actors grimacing in pain. It takes about 5 minutes before I think to myself; "What the hell is this, and how did Cage fall so far?".
I can't imagine what was going through Nick's head when he picked up the script and noticed his character's name was going to be "John Milton". Now, the movie is somehow using drama, suspense, and supernatural action along with mysticism. I'm not kidding. About 1/3 of the way through the movie, we start to gain insight on this character. He's a strong dude. He can have sex, swig Jack Daniels, and have a shootout - - all at the same time. It's devilish....oh, wait a second, his daughter was slaughtered by a cult leader, who in turn, took her newborn baby. So, yes, John Milton - - the guy who wrote "Paradise Lost" definitely comes to mind. We get it. Although I doubt he ever drove a Charger. William Fichtner's in this movie, too. He's one of the best character actors around Hollywood. He played the banker in the most recent Batman. He tried killing the joker with a shotgun. Remember him? He was a bad dude in the tv series Prison Break? For this movie, he's the gatekeeper who has come to take Nicholas Cage back to hell. But there are moments when he's an FBI agent. For the most part, he's hot on the trail of John Milton and the waitress he befriends. Played by Amber Heard. I kept wondering if she ever cracked up laughing during the filming of this piece of crap movie. Oh, and the moments of 3D brilliance jettisoned at us with every single gunshot, breaking limb, and speeding  vehicle. The story within the story for this movie was: "How much shit could the director fling at the audience in 90 or so minutes"? I'm thinking it was about 2 minutes into the movie when a human hand was blown off and came flying at us. By the end of the movie, Cage was drinking beer from a human skull bone that was flying at us only moments before.
A nice tribute to Alberta in this movie since Nicholas Cage clearly took his character's features from a Nickelback concert. I mean, he looked like Chad Kroeger, with 10 years added to him. Unfortunately, no Nickelback music on this soundtrack. In the end, Fichtner gets his man, but not before Cage hands the baby off to the Waitress for safekeeping. The two 'bad dudes' jump into a classic car that emanates from nowhere and they start back towards hell. This movie was dumb.