Schu's Review: Limitless

When it comes to movies at the theatre, I've always enjoyed going for a good action flick or a comedy. Anything else, I can easily wait til it comes out on DVD. So, I was really waiting for Limitless with Bradley Cooper. The previews showed a distinctly different side to Cooper. After all, I've watched the Hangover about 8 times and he makes me laugh every time. This movie starts with Cooper being anything but funny.
He's disheveled, lives in a ripped up and rotten apartment, and is trying to write a boo. Eddie Morra is a bumb trying to be a writer. Not long into the movie, his girlfriend calls to provide us with Eddie's first dilemma: she dumps him on his ass. This is Eddie's motivation to get out and try to figure out what's going on with his pathetic life. He wanders around aimlessly trying to get his motivation, and he ends up meeting his ex-wife's brother. I mean, what are the chances? It's only New York City! Millions of people walking around, and Eddie bumps into his ex brother in law. They still get along too. It's unreal. "Hey, let's go for a drink". They do. Here's the best part: "I know you're my ex's bro and all, but dude, I'm stuck. I don't know what to write".
"I have an idea, Eddie. Why don't you take this pill I have. It's only a sample. But see this really nice suit I'm wearing? I can afford it cuz this pill kicks ass". "Really, how is a pill going to make me write a book?" Okay, he doesn't really ask that last question, but you get the idea. The pill is some kind of sample, and Johnny (the brother in law) works the streets trying to sell these things. The pill causes humans to access 100% of their brain. It acts very fast, too.  I caught myself wishing someone would come up with a pill to reduce my beer gut in 30 seconds, but I digress. Eddie takes the pill. You guessed it. His life turns around. He writes the book. It's awesome. He's wicked smart. Makes some money. Then, more conflict: the pills are killing  people, the lab rats, if you will. Wait. There's more. If the subjects 'stop' taking the pills, they die. It's a  conundrum. Get greedy, take too many, you die. Stop taking them, you die. Eddie's pills are running out. However, Johnny's been killed. See, that's why you never keep up those relationships with the ex wife's family, it's only gonna get ya in trouble. The previews really made the movie seem to be 'edge of your seat'. It
wasn't. It's a movie that's 'good' for DVD. Not for a theater. Cooper was good. Not great, but good. It was
a really predictable movie. The writers/director really tried hard at the end to make up for it, but by then, it was too late. Limitless was an average drama. A bit of action, not a lot. Robert De Niro was forgettable. The way his character slid into the plot and carried it along was very 'B-Grade". It felt like he made the movie as a favor to someone. As a villain, I didn't hate him. For Cooper, I didn't feel bad for the guy. I wasn't pulling for him. I didn't care if he found more pills and saved the world with books. Limitless was an average movie with a good cast. I'm sure a lot of people will enjoy watching it on DVD, when they're bored on Sunday night. But that DVD will be at your next garage sale, guaranteed.

Schu's Review: Source Code

Source Code. Hey, it’s Jake Gylenhaal taking Keanu Reeves to the land of laymen’s terms. To be brutally honest, it was like watching the Coles notes version of the Matrix. One of my best buddies told me “I had to see this movie cuz Duncan Jones rocks. He’s the guy who did “Moon”. Well, I didn’t see “Moon” and I don’t really find a lot of director’s work different from the others. I honestly only have a few faves: Tarantino, Bruckheimer, Woo, Tony Scott. You know, the guys who can make a big screen movie loud and obnoxious? It’s not to say a guy like Edward Burns isn’t good. I like his stuff, too. Source Code really looked like a movie that would keep the action rolling beginning to end. But once I sat down, I realized there was a computer programmer and Quantum Physics major behind the scenes pushing play on this one. Gylenhaal was Colter Stevens. A guy who flew helicopters in Afghanistan. We found out he crashed, and lost most of his crew. Then he was put to work inside a government program. Of course, we don’t know this until he wakes up on a train for the second time doing the exact same thing. Hello, Groundhog Day! But, this isn’t a comedy. This government program was made by a math and computer genius, Dr. Rutledge. He has a team of military ‘computer geeks’ running this bank of computers from deep inside an Air Force base. The train has a bomb on it, bound for Chicago. It blows up. Like 4 times. Kills everybody. And every time it blows up, Colter Stevens gets ‘transported’ back to his ‘happy place’.
This is where he finds solace talking to Colleen Goodwin. A fellow Military Officer who tells him, “It’s okay, you screwed up this time, but we’ll send ya right back in there, and you can tell us who planted that bomb and why would they do something like that?” Now, you and I both know we would ask some pretty strong
questions if this happened to us. I mean, the first time I survived an explosion like the one in Source Code, I would probably thank my lucky stars I woke up dreaming. But, if I had someone telling me through a little computer screen I had to go right back in there, well, I would ask for something in return. Colter doesn’t do this until the end. So I giggled a little bit. Then I suspended disbelief cuz you know, it’s a movie.
So, Colter Stevens travels repeatedly back to the train. Back to the same spot in time. Then, searches for the clues to complete his mission. Oh, yeah, each time he wakes up on the train, the token ‘love interest’ is sitting right in front of him. Michelle Monaghan. Her name is Christina. He doesn’t know her last name though. In a Sixth Sense type of twist, we discover Colter’s a dead man computing. He actually died in that original chopper crash in Afghanistan, but this weird Quantum Physics Military Dude, Dr. Rutledge came up with a computer program that could attach to the brain of a recently deceased corpse, and plug into the ‘last 8 minutes’ of operation which every human brain has for ‘mortality storage’ when we die. It’s a stretch, but
it’s a cool theory in the movie. Rutledge says “the human brain will continue to function for 8 minutes after death”. Using some wicked smart algorithms, he comes up with a computer, some wires, and a dead soldier’s body inside a steel box, which probably is a metaphor for the physical hard drive we have on our desktops, I’m just guessing. Then, using quantum physics, and alternate realities, Dr. Rutledge thinks he’s found his perfect ‘specimen’ to attach his invention to. The problem is, Colter Stevens understands all that math. Plus, it’s Jake Gylenhaal. He knows how to swoon the ladies. And that’s exactly what he does to Colleen Goodwin, his commanding officer. He convinces her to let him go back to the train one last time to save Christina. Even though Dr. Rutledge said, “You can’t do that. You can’t change the alternate reality”. Well, this boy’s smart. He flew helicopters in the middle east, man. Quite frankly, Goodwin’s not liking the fact this Dr. Rutledge is treating her new friend like this. She hits ‘enter’ one last time, and sends him right back to the train. This time, though, Colter knows he’s dead. He sends an ‘alternate reality text’ to Goodwin. Then changes everything , including the detonating bomb. Goodwin then realizes her loyalties are not with crazy science guy. She unplugs the ‘machine’. We get a glimpse of Colter, inside the hard drive…. 'er….sorry, box. The back of his head is carved off exposing his brain plugged into wires. Oh, it’s only half of him too. The entire bottom half of his body was gone. We’re left assuming it was because of the accident. Don’t worry, though. In the alternate reality, Colter gets the girl, and keeps her. He’s really positive thinking though. Then, Goodwin actually received the ‘text from the alternate universe’. Weird. Overall, I liked it. Only giggled once. Because we see a train blow up 5 times!

Schu's Review: Battle Los Angelas

Fantastic! I had to throw that out there immediately. This was one of those movies that's come in 'under the radar'. No big names, outside of Two-Face from Batman. I didn't know what to expect going in, and really, I usually don't go to movies without knowing a bit about them. So, I decided I would look up Ebert's review. He said it was horrible and he didn't like it. Most excellent: I knew I would like it right away. The first 10 or 15 minutes are very choppy. Like the cutting room floor was used to move the story forward rather than the dialogue. But,  here's the thing - - the dialogue was used correctly, too. Even through the choppy scenes, we knew Staff Sergeant Nantz was leaving the Marines with some kind of sad back-story. Just as quickly, we found out he was being called back into action to be the second in command to 2nd Lt. William Martinez. A much younger and much less  experienced military macho actor. You can guess what happens with that relationship! When things get tough, and the kid gets stuck? Yeah, exactly. The aliens were great. The humans did not need 'almost nuclear power' to destroy them.
It was almost a fair fight when gun-play came into the story (which was pretty much the entire movie. Awesome!) The powerful alien force had some pretty kick ass weaponry. It is that weaponry that almost completely devastates the human foes. Wait - - we have 7 remaining Marines who take the plight of
the world into their hands, and provide one helluva fight. This movie was awesome for action movie fans. I was walking out of the theater saying "I'm going to see it again"! Oh, by the way - - that Ebert fella said
the movie was horrible. If you go back a number of years, he said the same thing about Full Metal Jacket. Bloody idiot! Clearly the Military movies are a little beyond his comprehension.

Schu's Review: Jackass 3 in 3D

Jackass 3. Generally speaking, easy review: Funny Stuff. Now, I am not a fan of the series. It was made worse by watching The Dudesons. It seems like every country could potentially have these teams of fools. But, you have to be honest here, for every person who hates Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, and their henchmen, there are ten who love them. I have a buddy who calls 'em brilliant. I won't go that far. They have mastered idiocy, so I guess if 'mastering' something means brilliance, I might be wrong. Oh well.
The easiest thing to say about this series: "It's probably not for the faint of heart". This is the 3rd movie in the franchise, and it's 3D. Available on Blu-Ray now. No plot. No Story. The theme is laughter. Usually at themselves. It's rolling scene after scene without connecting them. The movie opens with a giant hand hidden behind a wall. It's very funny. Johnny Knoxville holds the spring released hand behind a wall, as people approach the opening, the hand flies out, in 3D, and levels the unsuspecting victims. I was watching it alone and I laughed loud enough for ten people.

From there, it goes to Jet-Ski jumping, bungy rope tricks, big person/midget swapping scenes. The best scene for me was the midget bar fight. It starts with two love struck midgets entering a relatively busy bar. Within a moment, another midget enters screaming about an affair and cheating. The fight's on. Big
people just stand watching. I must say, I was hoping to see at least one person laughing their ass off within the scene, but the customers thought it was serious. Then, two midget police officers enter. The fight gets bigger. Then midget paramedics come in. They trash the bar. Customers just stood and watch. The scene closes with a dumbfounded woman, beer in hand, looking around and asking, "What the hell just happened? They were all little people?". Again, I laughed pretty good.

To be honest, though, I almost stopped watching when the "Shit Volcano" scene came up. One of the guys must have downed half a bar of ex-lax for this one. He tucked himself almost upside down, painted his ass green, and pointed his ass up through a flat board model train set. Essentially, the mound of his ass
simply looked like a mountain in the middle of this train set. The train goes around and around, suddenly a big spike of almost liquid feces jettisons into the air, like a volcano. You don't realize what you just watched until they hit slow motion, in 3D, and widen the shot enough to see the moron tucked under the model
train set. Completely disgusting. Vomit causing to some people.

I actually did stop watching when the 'sweat suit' cocktail scene opened. One of the large, fat dads wrapped himself up in suran wrap, tucked a massive funnel hose under his ass/scrotum area, with the hose leading to a plastic cup. He began running on a tread mill to fill the suit with his own fat, crappy sweat, which in turn would drain into the hose and run it's way down to fill up the cup. I turned it off, so I don't know if someone drank it. I'll assume "YES".

The Jackass guys have no boundaries. While they test their own pain endurance. You will definitely test your stomach muscles from laughing so hard, but your gag reflex will get a workout, too.

Schu's Review: Drive Angry

Starring Nicholas Cage, David Morse, some B-Rate actors, and a few nice cars!
I was desperate. Bored. I had a hankering for popcorn and a good movie. So, off to River City Cinema I go. I get to the ticket wicket; "One for Drive Crazy please." The young kid behind the counter says, "um, it's Drive Angry, and even with your VIP Pass, that'll be 3 bucks, Mister." It suddenly hit me - this will be the first 3D movie I've seen since Friday the 13th part 3 in 3D. That was some place back in the 80's. The 3 bucks covers the cost of the more extravagant 3D shades. Back in the day, the glasses were pieces of cardboard with red and blue lenses. I can't tell you how excited I was to get my hands on these pop culture fashion pieces. Inside, the movie starts. No previews. I mean, 'instant beginning'. Bad news for a Hollywood movie. This is 2011. It's all about advertising. This movie starts like a giant piece of 3D Fluorocarbon - - nothing sticking to it! The cheese is flowing instantly. Car chase, big guns, flying bullets, spraying blood, and some of those aforementioned B-rate actors grimacing in pain. It takes about 5 minutes before I think to myself; "What the hell is this, and how did Cage fall so far?".
I can't imagine what was going through Nick's head when he picked up the script and noticed his character's name was going to be "John Milton". Now, the movie is somehow using drama, suspense, and supernatural action along with mysticism. I'm not kidding. About 1/3 of the way through the movie, we start to gain insight on this character. He's a strong dude. He can have sex, swig Jack Daniels, and have a shootout - - all at the same time. It's devilish....oh, wait a second, his daughter was slaughtered by a cult leader, who in turn, took her newborn baby. So, yes, John Milton - - the guy who wrote "Paradise Lost" definitely comes to mind. We get it. Although I doubt he ever drove a Charger. William Fichtner's in this movie, too. He's one of the best character actors around Hollywood. He played the banker in the most recent Batman. He tried killing the joker with a shotgun. Remember him? He was a bad dude in the tv series Prison Break? For this movie, he's the gatekeeper who has come to take Nicholas Cage back to hell. But there are moments when he's an FBI agent. For the most part, he's hot on the trail of John Milton and the waitress he befriends. Played by Amber Heard. I kept wondering if she ever cracked up laughing during the filming of this piece of crap movie. Oh, and the moments of 3D brilliance jettisoned at us with every single gunshot, breaking limb, and speeding  vehicle. The story within the story for this movie was: "How much shit could the director fling at the audience in 90 or so minutes"? I'm thinking it was about 2 minutes into the movie when a human hand was blown off and came flying at us. By the end of the movie, Cage was drinking beer from a human skull bone that was flying at us only moments before.
A nice tribute to Alberta in this movie since Nicholas Cage clearly took his character's features from a Nickelback concert. I mean, he looked like Chad Kroeger, with 10 years added to him. Unfortunately, no Nickelback music on this soundtrack. In the end, Fichtner gets his man, but not before Cage hands the baby off to the Waitress for safekeeping. The two 'bad dudes' jump into a classic car that emanates from nowhere and they start back towards hell. This movie was dumb.